Rejection: (>L. re + iacere= 'throw back') "Unfriended." "Left out." "Unwanted." "Discarded." "Excluded." "Marginalized." "Dissed."
No matter how you say it, it hurts.
In the professional realm, rejection stings. Ask a sales rep. Countless follow-up efforts often yield disappointing ROI, and copious time and effort spent with each lead-gone-dry tinges a generally optimistic attitude with that ache of dread and loss. Salespeople make a leap of faith every day they reach out again, even though promising leads turn cold and the pain of one more "Not interested" or "Unsubscribe" can feel like a crushing defeat. Anyone who relies on the reciprocal exchange of goods/services for remuneration knows the "ouch" of professional rejection, and the pressing need to cope, adapt, and move on.
Personal rejection can hurt even worse. The pain and stigma of being rejected from our social circles or significant friendships triggers the ancient recesses of our communal psyche that required inclusion for survival. Humans evolved to need other humans, so rejection from social circles meant the promise of stigma, injury, neglect, suffering, and even death. Our brains learned to crave and satisfy social inclusion as a result. Rejection was tantamount to suffering and death, so we avoided it by developing a deep need to belong, to be included. That is why the pain of rejection physically hurts - as much as a broken bone or a tooth ache. The link between social and physical pain has been well documented.
Mark Leary, Ph.D., Professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University, discovered that, like basic hunger and thirst, our need for acceptance emerged as the primary vehicle for communal survival. "A solitary human being could not have survived during the six million years of human evolution while we were living out there on the African savannah." https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection
UCLA Professor Naomi Eisenberger and her colleagues found that social rejection activates many of the same brain regions involved in physical pain (Science, 2003). "To study rejection inside an fMRI scanner, the researchers used a technique called Cyberball, which (Kipling) Williams designed following his own experience of being suddenly excluded by two Frisbee players at the park. In Cyberball, the subject plays an online game of catch with two other players. Eventually the two other players begin throwing the ball only to each other, excluding the subject. Compared with volunteers who continue to be included, those who are rejected show increased activity in the dorsal anterior cingulate and the anterior insula — two of the regions that show increased activity in response to physical pain, Eisenberger says. As far as your brain is concerned, a broken heart is not so different from a broken arm."
University of Kentucky Professor Nathan DeWaal, notes that being on the receiving end of a social snub causes a "cascade of emotional and cognitive consequences, including increased feelings of anger, anxiety, depression, jealousy, and sadness," as well as having a negative impact on performance of intellectual tasks, and can contribute to aggression and poor impulse control. "People who feel excluded routinely experience poor sleep quality and compromised immune systems when compared with those who have strong social connections." (Current Directions in Psychological Science, 2011)
No wonder rejection hurts. What can we do about it?
Purdue University Professor Kipling Williams notes that after the initial experience of rejection, most people move into an "appraisal stage," in which they assess the damage and ponder their next steps. "We think all forms of ostracism are immediately painful. What differs is how long it takes to recover, and how one deals with the recovery." https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection
If rejection is part of our daily dose of professional or personal pain, there are plentiful natural remedies available if we are able to just step outside.
Nature therapy is one way to help us cope with the pain of rejection. Shinrin Yoku, or "Forest Bathing" is immersing ourselves in nature to activate our full sensorium, and to reclaim our sense of belonging among the wider "We." Mindful immersion in nature offers a wide range of physical benefits and psychological healing, from lowered BP and heart rate, cortisol, stress and anxiety, to increased immune system resilience through NK (natural killer) cell activity, improved quantity and quality of sleep, less pain and ability to cope with chronic pain, and increased feelings of well-being, gratitude and contentment.
How can we cope with the pain of rejection? Through the practice of immersing ourselves in Nature, we learn to:
Breathe. Breathe deeply.
Cleanse physical/emotional/psychological toxins.
Broaden our perspective.
Connect with the wider "We" of which we are all part.
Feel the intimacy of the natural world inviting us to dance.
Stimulate our sensory awareness, restore balance, and increase our physical/emotional/psychological resilience.
Activate our gratitude.
Stoke our sense of wonder.
Cultivate our ability to reach out and begin again.
The Poetess-of-Earth says it well:
"When I Am Among the Trees" by Mary Oliver
When I am among the trees, especially the willows and the honey locust, equally the beech, the oaks and the pines, they give off such hints of gladness. I would almost say that they save me, and daily. I am so distant from the hope of myself, in which I have goodness, and discernment, and never hurry through the world but walk slowly, and bow often. Around me the trees stir in their leaves and call out, “Stay awhile.” The light flows from their branches. And they call again, “It's simple,” they say, “and you too have come into the world to do this,
to go easy,
to be filled with light,
and to shine.”
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